Dad's Dissappiontment

It is hard to know what really went on in my Dad's mind. It is also hard to know if he would have treated me the same way he treated me if my brother was not handicapped. Looking back, it appears that my Dad was angry his son was handicapped and the one who was not handicapped was a girl. Since my Dad had a business (Baker Brothers) after his name it seems he was dissapointed his son appeared unable with his handicap to follow in my Dad's footsteps and someday carry on the family business. I guess he didn"t think a girl could fill those shoes.
What brings me to that conclusion, is that ever since I can remember he always let me know that whatever I did, did not meet his standards or expectations. I was never told that I did a good job or that anything I did was satisfactory. There were no hugs or pats on the back. One thing he did affects and haunts me to this very day. At the dinner table he sat on the left side of of me where I was within his reach . He start by talking to me about how I needed to be more ambitious and how he admired the neighbor boy because he drove a tractor and Dad would ask me why couldn't I be more like the meighbor boy, Dennis N? This lecture on my 'laziness' and his desire for me to be a hard working , ambitious, diligent gitl usually escellated into yelling and getting backhanded over my head. These episodes seemed to go on and on and they happened quite frequently. My Mom sat on the other side of the table from me and Ben sat on my right side across the table form my Dad. These beatings across my head at the dinner table went on till I was 17 years old and left home.
It is hard to know if it was his anger over having a handicapped son or if he would have done that to me anyway. There were also occasions when Dad would be angered at Ben and would back hand him back and forth across the head too. The sight is burned in my brain seeing the wheel chair jerk from side to side with each blow of my father's hand. This has caused me a lifetime of guilt being younger and defenseless all I could do was endure. My mother was completely silent about what she saw. She never comforted Ben or me with any words that we did not deserve the head beatings Dad gave us. I grew up thinking that I was less than everyone else and that I was unattracrive and stupid and incapable of doing anything very well. My Dad was a very well respected business man in our little town of Hilmar, California. His little corporation of automotive parts and chemicals grew to serve most all of California. He had distributors covering all of our San Juaquen valley, Sacramento, Los Angeles, Bakersfeld, Sierras, Bay Area, Yreka, Redding, and towns in between. No one would ever have believed what happened to Ben and me behind closed doors. You can see why Dad would have wanted a son to come behind him to carry on the 'Baker Brothers" corporation. There was not much time or attention from Dad for Ben and me other than "correcting" us.
I know Dad did the best he knew how and something must have happened to him in his childhood for him to have been able to treat Ben and me the way he did. I loved my Dad anyway because he was my Dad.
Next time I will tell you about our Mother.

My Dad's dissapointment